In my coaching journey, I find that many people fall into one of two categories: Victim or Viking. People are either crippled from action because they overwhelmed by the run of bad luck they’ve had -OR- they are experiencing roadblocks in relationships because they have built up such an armor of defense that they won’t let anyone in. Either they are whining and complaining about how they can’t catch a break because the odds are stacked against them -OR- they are forging ahead with or without support, kicking butt and taking names along the way….only to find that they have, indeed, forged the journey alone and there is no one present to celebrate the victory with them. Both mindsets create obstacles that keep them from achieving overall life success.
Dr. Brene Brown challenges us to find a place of vulnerability in order to combat the Victim-or-Viking mentality. She proposes that it’s not always about win-or-lose, kick-or-be-kicked. Sometimes crap just happens. Crap happens to ALL of us. Even in what appears to be the happiest of homes, there is a deep, dark secret or tragedy. But if we can truly own those moments, and share our “stories” with those who deserve to hear them, we will find a place of vulnerability and healing. If, however, we choose to hide behind the shield of Victim-or-Viking, we will never find vulnerability, and therefore, never truly heal.
Dr. Taylor Hartman says that we must act with clean motives in order to reach true “character”. He proposes that we must act with a servant heart in order to have the best relationships. However, when we act with “dirty motives” – what we might call ulterior motives – others can sense it and walls will begin to surface in the relationship. He further challenges that even when we are acting in a way to protect ourselves because we are afraid of being hurt, we are still acting with a “dirty motive,” as that motive is self-serving and not serving others.
I think both Dr. Brown and Dr. Hartman are really saying the same thing: when you act as either a Victim or Viking, you will ALWAYS lose.
I had a client who carried around the Victim-or-Viking shield valiantly. She had been hurt in her past – tragically, in fact – and therefore put up defenses to protect herself from being hurt ever again. Unfortunately, in doing so, she came across as very abrasive and even bully-like. She tried to over-control every situation, and she held deep grudges if she was ever crossed. To bring the Color Code into play here, she was a White who acted mostly in the limitations of Blue and Red. Indeed, she was very dysfuntional! I tried coaching her to bring awareness to how destructive her behavior was to her work team, but she just didn’t see it. She carried her Victim-or-Viking shield so proudly that she wouldn’t set it down long enough to glance at the wreckage she was leaving around her. Ultimately, she lost her job because she could not (or would not) develop a sense of emotional awareness, where she could grow and develop better connections with her team. And guess which role she played when she lost her job? Of course – the Victim! It wasn’t HER fault, but instead some vendetta that those around her had to force her out.
I can relate. I used to carry the Victim-or-Viking shield VERY well. It is so much easier to blame the world around you when things go wrong, and it is also easy to put on those blinders and hold up that shield as you forge ahead so that you don’t get hurt again. But neither will bring healing. And both will leave you feeling isolated and alone. I have been there….and I am still healing my way back.
As we wrap up Self-Improvement Month, reflect back on your life: Are you carrying the Victim-or-Viking shield? Are you using clean motives as you interact with others? If you are carrying that shield, you’ve got some healing to do. And I can promise you that things in your life will NOT change UNTIL you begin that healing process. Begin to lay down your shield TODAY.
Side Note: I highly recommend listening to Dr. Brene Brown’s POWER OF VULNERABILITY, which is available on iTunes and Audible. Do yourself a favor and do it! You’re welcome. 🙂
TO TAKE THE COLOR CODE TEST AND FIND OUT WHAT COLOR YOU ARE, CLICK HERE.